‘’Back Then, We Used To...’’ How Parenting In Malaysia Has Changed

Subscribe to our FREE Newsletter, or Telegram and WhatsApp channels for the latest stories and updates.

After several cases of bullying and deaths in schools, many Malaysians are wondering what’s going on with the kids and the state of parenting today. And as always, many people believe the cane/rotan should come back to set children right.

Some would even go as far to say they were caned growing up and turned out fine. The rotan is seen as a magical cure all. But, did they really turn out fine if they keep supporting corporal punishment without understanding the nuances of bringing up children in a better, conducive environment?

To see whether parenting has evolved for the better or worse, it helps to reflect on how it has changed and laugh at the mistakes.

Rotan vs Gentle parenting

Parenting Then: Corporal punishment like caning, slapping, punching, public shaming etc is seen as the best solution because it inflicts fear.

Parenting Now: Parents these days adopt the ‘’gentle parenting’’ way which focuses on communication, setting and respecting boundaries, without physical violence.

Child development experts have found that corporal punishment is mostly ineffective and fails to teach children positive behaviour in the long term. Often, as covered in the news, this method of disciplining or punishing children end up in the realms of child abuse.

Caning and slapping also model aggression and violence as an acceptable way to resolve conflicts. It also causes unnecessary fear and anxiety, which can hinder a child’s ability to learn the intended lesson. The worst case scenario is causing lifelong anxiety disorders and depression in children.

With gentle parenting, good communication with children help them foster strong emotional intelligence, the ability to self-regulate, and the ability to think things through, when guided properly. This in turn helps to strengthen the parent-child bond in home situations as well.

Granted, gentle parenting still confuses people, especially new parents, because it’s not something everyone grows up experiencing. Some parents may find gentle parenting daunting because it also requires them to sharpen many skills like how to talk about the tough things with their children. But fret not, all things get better with practice.

Only straight A’s!

Then: Must get good report card or else!

Now: Must get good report card, but with clear plans of progress in place.

Amy Chua’s 2011 book titled ‘’Battle Hymm of the Tiger Mother’’ quickly popularised the term ‘’Tiger mum.’’

A Tiger Mum is essentially a strict and demanding mother who pushes her children to be extremely successful in all areas of life. However, the way a Tiger mum approaches this varies: Some refuse to praise their children for excelling, some get very controlling about every aspect of their children’s lives.

While there are some benefits to have an involved mother, an overly involved Tiger Mum can cause emotional distress and poor mental health in children and the family.

All parents want their children to do well in school but may not know how to support their children, so they may start nagging and scolding their children instead.

These days, there seems to be a shift. Parents are still unhappy if their children score poorly in exams, but some work together with teachers to find out what their children require to excel in school. These parents take time to listen to their children and figure out what works best for them.

Eat all your food!

Then: ”You better finish your food because there are children starving in Africa!”

Now: Some don’t force their children to finish all the food if they’re already full because why?

Back then, parents used to tell children to finish up every single morsel of food on the plate by telling them about starving children in Africa.

Forcing children to eat when they’re already full creates a bad dining experience with the family. The child will dread and fear meal times and develop a negative association with food.

Making children finish their food beyond their capacity also disrupts their natural hunger cues.

Parents these days are reminded to trust their child’s appetite within reason. Parents are also advised to provide children with small and manageable food portions and model healthy eating habits.

Distant vs close relationship

Then: Parents show love distantly by providing food on the table, paying school fees, cutting up fruits unasked

Now: Parents realise the importance of quality family time, communication, listening, admitting mistakes

It’s a common joke that Asian parents don’t tell their children ‘’I love you.’’ They might quietly cut up fruits as snacks after an argument with their children to show their love. Some might even say their relationship with their parents were distant.

But, there has been a shift. While parents are more overworked than ever, they make time to plan family days and getting to know their children’s lives better. Some might even admit their mistakes and apologise to their children if they’re wrong.

Peer pressure vs Doing what’s best for the child

Then: Worry about what would people think of the family.

Now: Some parents are ready to stand with their children and take into account what serves their children’s needs best.

Growing up in an Asian household, most of us would have experienced the ‘’save face’’ culture before. Parents were unwilling to stand up for their children against relatives and outsiders, and forced their children to follow what everyone else is doing.

The new parents who have grown up under this shadow said this will end with them. These parents are willing to push back or question a relative’s judgmental comment or tone. They are also willing to go against the grain if it’s what’s best for their children.

Planning for retirement

Then: Use children as their one and only retirement plan and becoming resentful when it didn’t go as they envisioned

Now: Some parents have set aside their own retirement savings, allowing the next generation to grow debt-free or less financially burdened

The filial piety culture has its merits, but it has been abused by some. Some parents rely on their children as their only retirement plan and become resentful when things don’t pan out. This puts financial burden on their adult children, giving rise to the ‘’sandwich generation’’ who have to juggle supporting their own family and their elderly parents.

Some parents chose to end this cycle by preparing and building their own retirement fund when they were able to. If planned well, this allows the next generation to be less financially burdened and grow their wealth debt-free in this trying economy.

This is not to say we shouldn’t care for our ageing parents, but there needs to be responsible financial planning. Like the saying goes, don’t put all your eggs in one basket.

Share your thoughts with us via TRP’s Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, or Threads.

...