Nurturing family bonds

Q: Our resolution this year was to improve communication, being a busy family. We have made progress with calls and WhatsApp messages but something still feels a miss. What do you recommend?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: Did you know spoken or written words account for only 7% of communication? The rest is conveyed through body language, face, eyes and tone of voice.

When we communicate with our family members primarily through text messages, we are losing more than 90% of our ability to connect on a meaningful level.

Thriving families share a common trait: they spend quality time together interacting face to face. However, many families struggle to have meaningful discussions. If that sounds familiar, consider trying some of these ideas to spark conversation:

Start a simple question game at the dinner table. One person thinks of a person or thing and says, “Who am I?” or “What am I?” Everyone else takes turns asking questions and listening for clues until someone guesses correctly.

Ask open-ended questions that require more than a “yes” or “no” answer. For example, “What’s been the best part of your week so far?” or “What made it so good?” Or you could ask, “If you could be anyone in the world, who would you be and why?”

The possibilities are endless but the goal is the same – to encourage conversation and foster a deeper connection. Without these interactions, your family bond could easily wither away.

Q: I have been married for about three and a half years, and I believe my wife and I have a good relationship. However, she does not always approach things the way I would prefer. When I try to talk about these concerns and make suggestions, she tends to shut down. Is there a way to help her see my point of view or am I missing something?

Focus on the Family Malaysia: Whether it is choosing the right sweetener for our coffee or folding clothes a certain way, we all want our lives to function in a way that suits us. When things do not go as we prefer, we often try to take control. Unfortunately, many people employ a similar strategy in their marriage.

Controlling behaviour can often occur because one spouse feels unloved and unvalidated by the other. In response, they may attempt to control their partner’s actions to achieve the relationship they desire.

However, trying to control a spouse does not foster connection and love; instead, it destroys them. Control erodes the partnership and unity that are the foundations of a healthy marital relationship.

Here is the hard truth: if you control your spouse, you risk losing your marriage. A partner who feels controlled will eventually seek to escape, whether through an affair, divorce or by spending all their time with friends or in another part of the house.

The solution is to give up the “boss” role and start cultivating a relationship based on warmth and openness. This involves give-and-take, which will likely require some compromises.

It may require the assistance of a counsellor, but when a couple learns healthy ways to connect and sees each other as equals, a strong marriage is just around the corner.

This article is contributed by Focus on the Family Malaysia, a non-profit organisation dedicated to supporting and strengthening the family unit. It provides a myriad of programmes and resources, including professional counselling services, to the community. For more information, visit family.org.my.

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