'Jewel Thief' Netflix Review: A Waste Of Jaideep Ahlawat & Saif Ali Khan's Talents

What the hell happened to heist movies? To be specific, what happened to Indian heist movies? Do you all remember Aankhen? It’s not just one of the best Hindi heist movies of all time; it’s one of the best heist movies, period. Everything from the concept to the performances was perfect. Despite not liking them as much as everyone else, I have to admit that the Dhoom movies were pretty influential, especially in terms of bike sales. Don 2 reigns supreme in this category of films in the Indian subcontinent and overseas, not just because it had Shah Rukh Khan in it, but also due to the craft on display! The first half of Lootera was centered around a heist, while the second half was about its repercussions. And that’s the last good caper film that I can remember. After that we got half-baked entries like Kick, Drive (sorry, Sushant), Crew, and Sikandar Ka Muqaddar. For some reason, I naively hoped that Jewel Thief would be able to resurrect this subgenre. Did it, though? Let’s find out.

Robbie Grewal and Kookie Gulati’s Jewel Thief (it has nothing to do with the Dev Anand film other than sharing the same name) opens with the revelation that the offshore account data of art enthusiast and dreaded gangster Rajan Aulakh has somehow been leaked to Interpol. In order to make up for the money that he has lost, he is being forced to sell Gustav Klimt’s “Medicine” at auction. Knowing that that won’t be enough, Aulakh sets his sights on the Red Sun, the most-prized jewel of Africa, which is currently housed in the Indian museum, Fortcrest. Of course, he won’t be able to steal it all by himself; he wants Rehan Roy to do the robbery for him. Now, since Rehan is a wanted man, with Detective Vikram Patel’s men keeping an eye on him at all times, and he has an estranged relationship with his father, Jayant, he is in no mood to come back to his country. So, Aulakh entangles the innocent Jayant in a black money scam, thereby forcing Rehan to join hands with the crime lord to conduct the heist. Also in the mix is Aulakh’s abused wife, Farrah, whom Rehan intends to steal along with the jewel.

Here’s the thing. You are jumping from the last paragraph to this one in a matter of milliseconds, but I have been stuck here trying to figure out what to write about the plot of Jewel Thief for hours! I feel like I have spent more time trying to understand the whole point of this film than Sumit Aroraa has spent on writing the script. Okay, maybe that’s an over-exaggeration, but seriously, why does this story exist? It’s made of bits and pieces taken from other heist movies, any of which I would have preferred watching instead of wasting 2 hours of my life on this nonsense. The whole thing about conducting an elaborate fake heist to cover up the real heist is “inspired” by Ocean’s Twelve. The recently released Lift and Chor Nikal Ke Bhaga did mid-air heists; I’m not saying those are good movies, I’m just saying that Aroraa’s main gimmick is stale and derivative. The damsel-in-distress trope is unbearably dated. And the villain holding a family member hostage to make the hero do his bidding is such a cliche. So, at the cost of sounding repetitive, what’s the point of this movie?

I am not going to sit here and pretend that heist-based franchises like Ocean’s, Fast and Furious, Mission: Impossible, Now You See Me, or Den of Thieves are filled with commentary on politics, religion, culture, society, or other philosophical stuff. They have tons of action. The stakes are always so simple to follow, even a toddler could handle it. The performances are fantastic. There’s good music. There are exotic locations. And most importantly, they are goddamn fun. Where’s the bloody fun in Jewel Thief? Don’t get me wrong, there’s a lot of stuff happening in the movie. Rehan is doing flips. Aulakh is punching the hell out of people. Farrah is looking stunning. Vikram is loudly explaining the plot to the audience and his idiotic assistants. There are extensive sets on display, with lots of glossy colors (some of the daylight scenes needed to be color-corrected properly though) and groovy camera moves. But it’s all being done with this odd sense of apathy. As if Grewal, Kookie, and the rest of the team have been obligated to make this movie, when they would’ve preferred lounging in some villa in Lonavala. If the cast and crew are seemingly not enjoying the process of making the film, why should I care about anything that’s going on on the screen?

By the way, why has the Griffith Observatory of all places been used as Moosa’s base of operations in Istanbul? That’s the Griffith Observatory with the iconic L.A. skyline in the background! Not some random building in some undiscovered part of the world that you can just claim is in Istanbul and hope that nobody’s going to bat an eye. Or is this some inside joke where someone from the crew mistook the Griffith Observatory for the Istanbul University Observatory? Anyway, let’s talk about the cast. I am going to be honest: Saif Ali Khan, Jaideep Ahlawat (his costume design is very Ram Jaane-esque), Nikita Dutta, and Kunal Kapoor all look really great. On paper, that’s a great cast for a heist film because capers are not just about the robbery; it’s about looking cool while you’re pulling off said robbery. But the material all of them are working with is kind of insulting. If Saif, Jaideep, Nikita, and Kunal weren’t talented and didn’t give it their all, this movie wouldn’t have been watchable. It’s just because of their screen presence that I didn’t hit the skip button. The same can be said about Kulbhushan Kharbanda, Gagan Roy, Dorendra Singh Loitongbam, Shaji Choudhary, Ayaz Khan, Sumit Gulati, Vinay Sharma, and the rest of the supporting cast. All of them deserved better directors and writers.

I am fully aware of how viral Jaideep Ahlawat’s dance from “Jaadu” has become, and the reason I have reserved it for this last paragraph is because that’s the amount of screen time that the actor’s understandably awesome moves get. By the way, “Jaadu” is a bop (I have listened to it multiple times now), even though it kind of sounds like “Bang Bang” and “Sher Khul Gaye” (I still don’t know the meaning of that), which isn’t surprising because all of these songs are part of Siddharth Anand’s Marflix projects. Other things about Jewel Heist I liked are the anti-racism moment with a Japanese tourist, Aulakh’s name on Moosa’s phone, and the repetitive use of sedatives. I have to admire the confidence to end the film with a tease for a sequel. To be honest, I hope that one does come our way and someone like Akshat Verma, Rajesh Krishnan, Kapil Sawant, Shashank Khaitan, Rishab Seth, Vasan Bala, or Vikramaditya Motwane is at the helm. If all of that sounds like a recommendation, feel free to give the movie a watch. If not, go and rewatch Aankhen, Dhoom, or Don 2, and then hope that Bollywood begins making good capers again.